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http://www.willthomasonline.net/willthomasonline/Stupdiity_For_Dummies.html
Love and Light
David
STUPIDITY FOR DUMMIES
By William Thomas
By William Thomas
Stupidity used to be a medical diagnosis. Not any more. The biggest and most dangerous epidemic on this planet is apparently incurable.
I used to think animals were smarter than us until I came across a large tree felled by a hard-working beaver.
It was pointing away from the water.
“Stupidity denotes an incapability or unwillingness to consider relevant information,” worries Wikipedia. If you have trouble understanding words like “relevant” and “incapability” chances are you're already dumb as two bricks. No insult intended - to bricks…
Chances are, you've spent your entire life envying people for whom being stupid seems to come naturally. Don't let intelligence stand in your way. Go for it! With just a little more effort, you can be as stupid as everyone else.
DARE TO BE STUPID!
1. If you don't understand something, ridicule the information and the person presenting it. Laughter
is so healing!
2. Only hang with someone who is dumber than you. Next to his or her stupidity, you will look like a
genius! And you will love this idiot for making you look so good. (Look at Bush's long popularity.)
3. Since listening is a sign of respect and intelligence, constantly blurt meaningless babble to let
everyone know you possess neither. Repeatedly interrupt anyone talking sense to insert your
own opinion. A wise guy named Plato put it like this: “Wise men talk because they have
something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” Abe Lincoln said, “Tis better to be
silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
4. Aldous Huxley said, “At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity.” Do your
best to make it three-thirds.
5. Remember who created you and why. “First, God created idiots,” wrote Mark Twain. “That was
just for practice.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE GETTING STUPIDDER
1. If you almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left you before you met, you're probably a good
candidate for stupidity.
2. If bacteria are the only culture you can relate to, guess what?
3. You're making progress if questions like this really bother you: “If quitters never win, and
winners never quit, how can it be wise to 'quit while you're ahead?'”
4. Or this: “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a
hostage situation?”'
5. If you keep screwing up, you'd have to be really stupid - or a politician - to keep doing the
same thing hoping for different results. You no doubt agree with Will Rogers who asked, “If
stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?”
6. If it cost you only five dollars and IT'S FILLED WITH BEER! - and you think beer is a
breakfast food - then you will understand immediately that while eagles may soar, cows don't
get sucked into jet engines.
FIVE REASONS WHY DRINKING SHOULD BE ALLOWED AT WORK.
(TRY THIS ON YOUR BOSS:)
a. It's an incentive to show up.
b. It reduces stress.
c. It leads to more honest communications like fistfights.
d. It increases job satisfaction because you don't care what kind of jerk you have for a boss.
z. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
POP QUIZ:
12. If you find yourself nodding your head in agreement, you're at least as stupid as Miss South Carolina. When asked why a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map, this Miss Universe contestant replied on national television:
REDNECKS 'R' U.S.
1. You don't have to be a redneck to be stupid. But it shure helps. Before you croon the Dead
Kennedys hit, “Night of The Living Rednecks” be sure to put rawhide strings on your g'itar like the
song says.
2. Remember, yer a redneck if yer jacked-up truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off
the rack when you slammed the door.
3. If yer still not shure, you can always wear your name tag upside down at work or in your next
military formation. When some idiot boss or lieutenant points it out, just smirk and say, "You
must really be dumb. My shirt is on upside down.
DUBYAHOO
Remember “Gee Dubya”? He lowered the bar on stupidity so far no one can possibly compete. We hope. Since his retirement and escape from criminal prosecution, GW has been building his own presidential library glorifying his achievements. It won't take long. It's the size of a phone booth.
“George W. Bush must surely be the most mocked, casually ridiculed, and gleefully insulted personage in all of world history,” snorts Comedy Central. Given so many other contenders, his is a singular achievement. The man who copped a feel from the Chancellor of Germany on international television… thinks “war is a dangerous place”… told Oprah Winfrey he “recognizes the fallacy of humans”… is the self-avowed “master of low expectations”… knows “how hard it is to put food on your family”… is absolutely certain that “the human being and fish can coexist peacefully” and who once told the New York Daily News, “I understand small business growth, I was one” - is the kind of man who would go on to tell a campaign rally in that same state: “It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another.”
When it comes to stupidity, America's top unelected official for eight tragicomic years led the way. “Do you have blacks, too?” Dubya asked stunned Brazilian President, Fernando Cardoso, before later going on to clarify: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.” Speaking at President's Economic Forum in Whacko (sic) Texas Dubya also famously proclaimed, “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.”
Of course, stupidity this profound is contagious. As Condi Rice oopsied! at a Washington dinner party, “As I was telling my husb - as I was telling President Bush.
PEOPLE ARE STILL STUPIDDER THAN YOU IF…
1. You're sitting in a bar watching a ball game and the score comes on and a guy comes in says,
“Is that the score?”
2. Or when someone next to you is watching the same TV show and says, "OH MY GOD, DID YOU
SEE THAT!?"
3. Or when someone says, “No offense, but... ” - and says it anyway.
4. Or when you hand someone the phone and they say, “Is it for me?”
5. Or someone asks, “Is that weapon loaded?”
6. Or they say, “Do you think the weather's going to hold?”
7. Or when someone is crying their eyes out and someone else goes up to them and asks, “Are
you okay?”
8. Or when you've misplaced something and someone asks, “Where was the last place you put It?”
YOU'RE PRETTY STUPID IF:
1. You like lightning because you think someone is taking your picture.
2. You receive a text message saying: “Your so stupid that you got stabbed in a shoot out.”
3. You take an hour to eat breakfast because the orange juice carton instructions say,
“concentrate”.
4. You take a month to realize your AM radio can play at night.
5. Your house is burning down and you can't dial 911 because you can't find the “11” on the phone.
6. You're kept busy for hours turning over a piece of paper with “Please turn over” written on both
sides.
MAYBE YOU COULD GET A JOB MAKING UP THESE (ACTUAL) LABELS
1. On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”
2. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
3. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
4. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (What do they tell
their pilots?)
5. On a child's superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
6. On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
A REAL PERSON ACTUALLY SAID THIS BUT WE WILL PROTECT MS. SIMPSON'S NAME:
“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'”
A REAL CHURCH PRINTED THIS NOTICE:
“We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.”
BEING STUPID CAN BE DEADLY
One minute before the deadliest crash in Metrolink history, a teenager received a text message from train engineer, Robert Sanchez. The two-line text told the teen and his friends where Sanchez would be meeting another passenger train. Sanchez survived that meeting. But his stupidity killed at least 25 people after he ran a red light warning the track ahead was closed. [CBS News Sept 13/08
BEING STUPID CAN LAND YOU IN JAIL
Aussie daily newspaper: An Italian man had acted stupidly when he text-messaged his wife to tell her his plane had been hijacked by terrorists, the federal government said. It hadn't. [The Age Dec 19/04]
YOU'RE NEARLY THERE
You're making real progress when your buddy finds a mirror on the street and picks it up and
looks at it and says, “I know the face, but I can't put a name to it.” And you look at it and say,
“It's me you idiot!”
Or you run up to a woman and hug and kiss her and say, “Oh my God, Suzie is that really
you?” And she says, “No, it's not."
IF NOTHING ELSE WORKS...
1. Since the slightest imbalance in micronutrients messes up your brain, eat lots of fast food and sugary snacks. Avoid vegetables, exercise, lots of good water and vitamins.
2. Cell phone and portable phones are making an entire generation stupid by severing brain connections. They can even cause deafness, cataracts, early onset Alzheimer's and brain tumors. Don't miss out on the fun. Use cell and portable phones for long conversations frequently. Also, be sure you live, work and sleep within sight of a cell phone transmitting antenna. Take extra precautions against lucidity by putting a clock radio and a wireless router near your bed. These devices will also fry your brain.
3. Alcohol destroys brain cells. You know what to do.
4. The Nazis used fluoride to impair the brains of their slave laborers and make them docile. Drink tap water often. Chances are it's chock full of fluoride. (No, stupid, it doesn't prevent cavities.)
5. TV has been found to put viewers into a hypnotic alpha brainwave state from which they are unable to formulate either questions or connections. Most Americans watch at least eight hours a day. Go for 10.
6. If you act like a zombie, all the other zombies won't notice you. So be sure to live a life of habit and routine. Avoid books, probing conversations, new experiences or any other activity that stimulates the brain. Never question the media or authority. Don't listen to pinko commies who try to tell you something's wrong, you're being conned, or there's a better way. Above all, Dont Thimk!
7. You're probably wondering why the people who have finally had enough of your stupidity are bothering to sterilize the needle for your lethal injection. Never mind. Welcome death. You're off the hook after that. As Bertrand Russell observed, “Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do.
Climate change ignorance caused by humans!
[chriscolose.wordpress.com]
Oops! - New research shows that when it comes to the past 20 years, solar activity peaked between 1985 and 1987. Since then, trends in solar irradiance, sunspot number and cosmic-ray intensity have all been in the opposite direction to global warming. Stefan Rahmstorf, a climate scientist at the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research in Germany told the journal Nature ,"This paper is the final nail in the coffin for people who would like to make the Sun responsible for present global warming."[climate.weather.com]
I used to think animals were smarter than us until I came across a large tree felled by a hard-working beaver.
It was pointing away from the water.
“Stupidity denotes an incapability or unwillingness to consider relevant information,” worries Wikipedia. If you have trouble understanding words like “relevant” and “incapability” chances are you're already dumb as two bricks. No insult intended - to bricks…
Chances are, you've spent your entire life envying people for whom being stupid seems to come naturally. Don't let intelligence stand in your way. Go for it! With just a little more effort, you can be as stupid as everyone else.
DARE TO BE STUPID!
1. If you don't understand something, ridicule the information and the person presenting it. Laughter
is so healing!
2. Only hang with someone who is dumber than you. Next to his or her stupidity, you will look like a
genius! And you will love this idiot for making you look so good. (Look at Bush's long popularity.)
3. Since listening is a sign of respect and intelligence, constantly blurt meaningless babble to let
everyone know you possess neither. Repeatedly interrupt anyone talking sense to insert your
own opinion. A wise guy named Plato put it like this: “Wise men talk because they have
something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” Abe Lincoln said, “Tis better to be
silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
4. Aldous Huxley said, “At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity.” Do your
best to make it three-thirds.
5. Remember who created you and why. “First, God created idiots,” wrote Mark Twain. “That was
just for practice.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE GETTING STUPIDDER
1. If you almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left you before you met, you're probably a good
candidate for stupidity.
2. If bacteria are the only culture you can relate to, guess what?
3. You're making progress if questions like this really bother you: “If quitters never win, and
winners never quit, how can it be wise to 'quit while you're ahead?'”
4. Or this: “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a
hostage situation?”'
5. If you keep screwing up, you'd have to be really stupid - or a politician - to keep doing the
same thing hoping for different results. You no doubt agree with Will Rogers who asked, “If
stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?”
6. If it cost you only five dollars and IT'S FILLED WITH BEER! - and you think beer is a
breakfast food - then you will understand immediately that while eagles may soar, cows don't
get sucked into jet engines.
FIVE REASONS WHY DRINKING SHOULD BE ALLOWED AT WORK.
(TRY THIS ON YOUR BOSS:)
a. It's an incentive to show up.
b. It reduces stress.
c. It leads to more honest communications like fistfights.
d. It increases job satisfaction because you don't care what kind of jerk you have for a boss.
z. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
POP QUIZ:
12. If you find yourself nodding your head in agreement, you're at least as stupid as Miss South Carolina. When asked why a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map, this Miss Universe contestant replied on national television:
Eyewitness: “Look at the face of the passenger in the truck. Also notice that the truck has a handicap parking permit on the mirror. He passed 4 cars waiting at the crossing and I would guess he was doing at least 40 across the tracks.” [ .railpictures.net]
REDNECKS 'R' U.S.
1. You don't have to be a redneck to be stupid. But it shure helps. Before you croon the Dead
Kennedys hit, “Night of The Living Rednecks” be sure to put rawhide strings on your g'itar like the
song says.
2. Remember, yer a redneck if yer jacked-up truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off
the rack when you slammed the door.
3. If yer still not shure, you can always wear your name tag upside down at work or in your next
military formation. When some idiot boss or lieutenant points it out, just smirk and say, "You
must really be dumb. My shirt is on upside down.
DUBYAHOO
Remember “Gee Dubya”? He lowered the bar on stupidity so far no one can possibly compete. We hope. Since his retirement and escape from criminal prosecution, GW has been building his own presidential library glorifying his achievements. It won't take long. It's the size of a phone booth.
“George W. Bush must surely be the most mocked, casually ridiculed, and gleefully insulted personage in all of world history,” snorts Comedy Central. Given so many other contenders, his is a singular achievement. The man who copped a feel from the Chancellor of Germany on international television… thinks “war is a dangerous place”… told Oprah Winfrey he “recognizes the fallacy of humans”… is the self-avowed “master of low expectations”… knows “how hard it is to put food on your family”… is absolutely certain that “the human being and fish can coexist peacefully” and who once told the New York Daily News, “I understand small business growth, I was one” - is the kind of man who would go on to tell a campaign rally in that same state: “It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another.”
When it comes to stupidity, America's top unelected official for eight tragicomic years led the way. “Do you have blacks, too?” Dubya asked stunned Brazilian President, Fernando Cardoso, before later going on to clarify: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.” Speaking at President's Economic Forum in Whacko (sic) Texas Dubya also famously proclaimed, “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.”
Of course, stupidity this profound is contagious. As Condi Rice oopsied! at a Washington dinner party, “As I was telling my husb - as I was telling President Bush.
PEOPLE ARE STILL STUPIDDER THAN YOU IF…
1. You're sitting in a bar watching a ball game and the score comes on and a guy comes in says,
“Is that the score?”
2. Or when someone next to you is watching the same TV show and says, "OH MY GOD, DID YOU
SEE THAT!?"
3. Or when someone says, “No offense, but... ” - and says it anyway.
4. Or when you hand someone the phone and they say, “Is it for me?”
5. Or someone asks, “Is that weapon loaded?”
6. Or they say, “Do you think the weather's going to hold?”
7. Or when someone is crying their eyes out and someone else goes up to them and asks, “Are
you okay?”
8. Or when you've misplaced something and someone asks, “Where was the last place you put It?”
YOU'RE PRETTY STUPID IF:
1. You like lightning because you think someone is taking your picture.
2. You receive a text message saying: “Your so stupid that you got stabbed in a shoot out.”
3. You take an hour to eat breakfast because the orange juice carton instructions say,
“concentrate”.
4. You take a month to realize your AM radio can play at night.
5. Your house is burning down and you can't dial 911 because you can't find the “11” on the phone.
6. You're kept busy for hours turning over a piece of paper with “Please turn over” written on both
sides.
MAYBE YOU COULD GET A JOB MAKING UP THESE (ACTUAL) LABELS
1. On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”
2. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
3. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
4. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (What do they tell
their pilots?)
5. On a child's superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
6. On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
A REAL PERSON ACTUALLY SAID THIS BUT WE WILL PROTECT MS. SIMPSON'S NAME:
“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'”
A REAL CHURCH PRINTED THIS NOTICE:
“We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.”
BEING STUPID CAN BE DEADLY
One minute before the deadliest crash in Metrolink history, a teenager received a text message from train engineer, Robert Sanchez. The two-line text told the teen and his friends where Sanchez would be meeting another passenger train. Sanchez survived that meeting. But his stupidity killed at least 25 people after he ran a red light warning the track ahead was closed. [CBS News Sept 13/08
BEING STUPID CAN LAND YOU IN JAIL
Aussie daily newspaper: An Italian man had acted stupidly when he text-messaged his wife to tell her his plane had been hijacked by terrorists, the federal government said. It hadn't. [The Age Dec 19/04]
BEING STUPID CAN LEAD TO FROSTBITE
Two idiots were trying to light a fire. The first one couldn't get the match to light, and the second one said, “That's strange, it lit this morning.”
Two idiots were trying to light a fire. The first one couldn't get the match to light, and the second one said, “That's strange, it lit this morning.”
YOU'RE NEARLY THERE
You're making real progress when your buddy finds a mirror on the street and picks it up and
looks at it and says, “I know the face, but I can't put a name to it.” And you look at it and say,
“It's me you idiot!”
Or you run up to a woman and hug and kiss her and say, “Oh my God, Suzie is that really
you?” And she says, “No, it's not."
IF NOTHING ELSE WORKS...
1. Since the slightest imbalance in micronutrients messes up your brain, eat lots of fast food and sugary snacks. Avoid vegetables, exercise, lots of good water and vitamins.
2. Cell phone and portable phones are making an entire generation stupid by severing brain connections. They can even cause deafness, cataracts, early onset Alzheimer's and brain tumors. Don't miss out on the fun. Use cell and portable phones for long conversations frequently. Also, be sure you live, work and sleep within sight of a cell phone transmitting antenna. Take extra precautions against lucidity by putting a clock radio and a wireless router near your bed. These devices will also fry your brain.
3. Alcohol destroys brain cells. You know what to do.
4. The Nazis used fluoride to impair the brains of their slave laborers and make them docile. Drink tap water often. Chances are it's chock full of fluoride. (No, stupid, it doesn't prevent cavities.)
5. TV has been found to put viewers into a hypnotic alpha brainwave state from which they are unable to formulate either questions or connections. Most Americans watch at least eight hours a day. Go for 10.
6. If you act like a zombie, all the other zombies won't notice you. So be sure to live a life of habit and routine. Avoid books, probing conversations, new experiences or any other activity that stimulates the brain. Never question the media or authority. Don't listen to pinko commies who try to tell you something's wrong, you're being conned, or there's a better way. Above all, Dont Thimk!
7. You're probably wondering why the people who have finally had enough of your stupidity are bothering to sterilize the needle for your lethal injection. Never mind. Welcome death. You're off the hook after that. As Bertrand Russell observed, “Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do.
Climate change ignorance caused by humans!
[chriscolose.wordpress.com]
Oops! - New research shows that when it comes to the past 20 years, solar activity peaked between 1985 and 1987. Since then, trends in solar irradiance, sunspot number and cosmic-ray intensity have all been in the opposite direction to global warming. Stefan Rahmstorf, a climate scientist at the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research in Germany told the journal Nature ,"This paper is the final nail in the coffin for people who would like to make the Sun responsible for present global warming."[climate.weather.com]
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